Jennifer Carr: A Heartfelt Journey
Day one, they say journaling your reasons and daily life for weight loss is important, makes you more accountable and see what you do, where you need to improve and how you think about things. Read this in January's Sculpt email. I have for months, thought about joining in the weight loss program to get me started, but hey, I could do it all by myself right? WRONG.
I’ve been trying, I actually went out last night, had a fabulous time dancing and drinking with friends. It was when I saw a video today of me dancing last night that I realized, you know what, I'm pretty but the weight on my upper body is terrible, I can’t do it alone. I’ve watched Ryan and his colleagues grow and help others, so why not. I have Emma going to Sculpt program at community centre two days a week. She goes, she doesn’t like it but she does it. What type of role model am I if I sit around and make her do it? I feel like shit every day, I use my Ventolin because my lungs are pressed with fat, I can't eat healthy cause I’m so use to being on the go and not looking after myself. I don’t sleep, and when I do it's all day while kids are in school, then I miss the entire day. I’m up all night watching tv, laying dormant in bed. Quite the life, I know, jealous yet? I hope not!
So today I reached out to Sculpt, I was going to apply for transformation challenge Ryan offered but as soon as I saw "appear on stage" I went, ya NO, I’m tooooo fat and too ashamed to be on stage, what if I don’t look like those girls, so I emailed Sculpt and signed up. I’m worth it, they can help, I can do it, as Ryan said tonight “your heads in it”. I had a talk with the kids, just to explain that I may need their guidance and understanding. They are so on board, my son always wants to be active, so that’s the positive.
I cried tonight for the first time, I haven’t told my husband I am going to do this. He left three days ago for six weeks, I want to see his reaction when he walks through the gate of the airport and sees me for the first time. I am doing this for me, but I’m doing it for him and my kids too. He is physically fit. Great physic, not tired, sleeps great, exercises every day, so when he is home, we can do all kinds of stuff together, and maybe we could sleep together through the night and not separate rooms because I can’t sleep and the TV keeps him awake. So yeah I cried a lot tonight, not because I’m sad, but I’m happy I’m going to step up, step out of my comfort zone, and do something and accomplish what I have wanted to do for almost 14 years.
There is no time like the present to start living again, my goal is fifty pounds, that may seem like a lot, but not really, that’s just my first goal. March first will be here before I know it and I will have my husband’s first look at the new me. This time won’t take long, so here goes everything I have hoped for.
16 weeks in and I can say I’ve done what I’ve set out to do, and I still have more weight to lose but not without boulders to climb. and my boulders are the food challenges and the mental challenges I faced when I had to identify fears I knew I would have to face during this. Some days were good, some were great and some were just plain I don’t give a f*#^. When I started, I had faith, then I lost it, but I quickly gained the confidence I needed because I could finally sleep and wake up refreshed. There are days I can’t follow the plan and I need to make decisions but before my decisions would be to eat whatever I could plus pick at everything else on the table. Now, at one point drinking 4 liters of Pepsi was my dream. I couldn’t ever imagine I would love water the way I do today.
WATER, free at that, and I look for it at all times of the day and night. If I want a Pepsi, yeah I have it, maybe a small can every month to remind me hey I love water. It is a treat not a crutch to fall on when times get tough, or that boulder pops into my head. I’ve cried, a lot, behind closed doors, because when you want to change for you and your spouse and your kids, some people try to sabotage that, and they have tried, very hard. One person told me it is taking an awful long time to get that weight off, and it’s not that hard to do, why can’t you just do it faster, maybe you can’t. Quess what, I can, I will and that person will never hold a boulder in my life cause those people don’t matter, I MATTER. I matter to me and that’s the only reason I need to do this, for me.
I look back at where I was Christmas day, that lady in the pretty dress a size 3X, unhappy, feelings of frustration and becoming sheltered in my own body. Didn’t want to go out, didn’t want to shop. On February 1st, I accepted a new job as a Director of Nursing, which I have set goals in my nursing career to achieve and I am doing that, my husband left for work away and I joined Sculpt. Well now I feel like I am a Director of Nursing because I shop for new clothes that are now a lot smaller. I’ve dropped from a 24 to a 14/16. And only looking to get better. Clothes don’t make the person, I know that, but to be a successful person you need to feel successful and Sculpt and Jaclyn have done that for me. I never wanted to go to the gym, and was very resistant to that in the beginning but now I look forward to going every morning before work, and spending that time with my son.
And to admit that you felt useless is an awful feeling and an awful thing to think about. I remember thinking back around Christmas that I am just not worth being here, and at that time felt like I had no purpose. I had terrible thoughts at that time, let’s take the easy way out and fall off the face of the earth because that’s how an unhealthy person can feel when they don’t care about themselves.
It’s ironic how food and exercise can change your life and make you feel like you matter and that you now have a purpose to be on earth. I never thought I would be here to tell this story of accomplishment instead I thought people would have read an obituary. Thank you “to me” for all I have done and all I will accomplish in this life and all the great examples I can set for my kids and their wellbeing as well as mine. Without Sculpt and having Jaclyn, this would not be possible. I thank you, you have made a huge impact on my life, and I will forever be grateful. To be able to write all this has been a huge boulder to climb and I’m at the top of that boulder crushing it.
Photos and updates to come as Jennifer's journey continues!